How Much Of An Underground Twat Are You?

Published on Tuesday, 3 March 2015

Take this short quiz and find out how much of an underground twat you actuall are.

1. Put your hand up if you are one of the twats that stands on the left of the escalator and give yourself a point
2. Anyone that doesn't see the need to take their ruck sack off their back should award themselves a point.
Everyone around you thinks you are a rucksack wanker (and a twat).
3. Do you think the best place to check your map is at the bottom of stairs?
Keep moving you twat, there are people behind you
4. Do you avoid the big queues to an escalator by pretending to go for the stairs and suddenly changing direction?
You are not being covert in any way; everyone behind you knows you are pushing in and they all think you are a twat.
5. Do you man-spread?
No one has balls that big you twat; stay in your own zone.
6. Looking for your Oyster card when you get to the front of the barriers?
Twat.
7. Think it's ok to take photos of strangers on your phone?
If yes, one point. Award yourself a bonus twat point if your flash has accidentally gone off, you weird perverted twat.
8. Given your bag a seat on a busy train?
Bags aren't alive and don't need a seat. Put it on your lap before someone twat slaps you.
9. Have you ever jumped on a train as the doors are about to close then stopped to celebrate once you got on?
Move forward so the person behind you can also rush to get on, you shit covered twat.
10. Football chanting, yes or no?
The correct answer is no. Everyone in the same carriage as you hates that they are in the carriage packed full of twats.
11. Ever pinch someones arse to show you are attracted to them?
In no circumstances is this OK, you fucking bellend twat.
12. Ever hold the doors open?
This makes you a twat but at least you didn’t have to wait two minutes for the next train: phew.
13. Worn a 'Baby on Board' badge at week two of your pregnancy?
No, people aren't obligated to get up for you, you twat. Congratulations on the baby, by the way.
14. Are you the announcer who says "there is a good service on all London underground lines" even though my train has been 'held' at a station for five minutes?
One point for you, twat.
15. Do you walk side by side with someone at a leisurely pace when the tunnel is only two people wide?
If the tunnel in front of you is empty during rush hour, there is probably a hoard of people behind you trying to get past, you fucking twat.
16. Do you join forces with the twats next to you to create a barrier for anyone trying to get off the train?
You are not a Spartan at the battle of Thermopylae, stand the fuck to the side you twat.
17. Are you the person leaving that greasy smear on the glass at the end seats?
Who has that much grease in their hair? Stop with the fucking grease you twat.
18. Have you ever huffed and puffed when no one has offered their seat to you?
Oi, maybe the people sitting down can't tell if you are pregnant or fat. Maybe they think you don't look old enough to be offered a seat. Maybe they all have arthritis and are in worse shape than you. Maybe they had a bad experience offering their seat up in the past. Stop your passive aggressive huffing stay stood up for those 8 minutes or so and award yourself one point.
19. Being smelly
Next time you're on the underground, lift your arm up and smell your armpit. If it smells, award yourself a point.
20. Do you walk up the escalator slowly?
If you've only passed one person by the time you get to the top of the escalator you are slow at walking, stand on the right where you belong you twat bag.

Become a better person and make it so you answer no to all of these fucking questions you TWAT!

If you scored 0

You probably don’t live in London and are still a twat.

 

If you scored 1 point

You may think you've done really well, you haven't, you are a twat.

 

If you scored 2-5 points

Pay attention to your surroundings and be more considerate you fucking twat.

 

If you scored 6-10

Everyone, seriously everyone on the underground thinks you are a fucking massive twat.

 

If you scored 11-15

The New Age Man genuinely would like tell you that you are a twat. Stay the fuck away from the underground, this place is not for people like you.

 

If you scored 16+

You are a slow walking, bow legged, sexually assaulting, rucksack wearing, smelly motherfucking twat. Genuine, genuine twat.

 

0.56084

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