Lewis Hamilton never actually passed his driving test

Published on Sunday, 3 March 2013

McLaren's Formula One team have made the most monumental faux-pas in the history of motor sport after discovering that their star driver Lewis Hamilton has not actually passed his driving test. Team Manager Ron Dennis had always assumed that Hamilton's ability on the F1 circuit meant that he must have a full UK driving licence, but the New Age Man has been informed that this isn't actually the case.

Hamilton's driving instructor, Pete Howard of the DriveWell Driving School in Stevenage opened up to the New Age Man with the shocking revelation:

"Don't get me wrong, Lewis is a fine driver and after passing his theory on his 9th attempt we assumed a pass was a given. The trouble is; he can't parallel park for shit."

“Statistically the chances of being given this manoeuvre on your test are only 1 in 2, but unlucky Lewis has been given it on each of his 31 tests. I just pray for the day that sorry bastard gets a three point turn and a reverse around the corner."

The news was apparently music to the ears of team mate Jenson Button who has long been forced to live in Hamilton's shadow. He commented:

"Lewis, no licence? This is the best news I've had since I found out that Nicole Scherzinger is actually a hermaphrodite!”

The revelations have left Hamilton’s F1 career in tatters and his sponsors are ready to drop him from all promotional campaigns with immediate effect. Tag Heuer, Hugo Boss and SFC are said to be shell-shocked at the news.

We caught up with the manager of the Mapperley branch of SFC who lamented:

"Our Lewis Hamilton Pit Stop Bucket Meal is by far our biggest seller, without that we are going to be forced to push our inferior products such as cheesy chips and pigeon nuggets."

“Luckily, 97% of our clientele are so heavily inebriated at that we could feed them southern fried rat and they probably wouldn’t notice."

“Of course, we don’t actually serve people southern fried rats."

“What? We don’t!”

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