Many viewers of Wednesday night's Brit awards were outraged that the much hyped performance by headline act Kanye West was muted to the extent that all could be heard was "All Day" being hollered in regular 10 second intervals. Some observers assumed that the reason for the censorship was that Mr West was using unsavoury language, with his fondness for the 'N' word traditionally only being equalled by senior members of the Klu Klux Klan and a Ron Atkinson African Cup of Nations commentary.
However, the New Age Man has learnt that the extended periods of silence were actually due to Kanye ceasing to sing whilst he watched Wolf Hall on Skepta's iPad. A senior Brit organiser told us:
"When Rihanna pulled out because she didn't want to miss the final episode of Wolf Hall we really crapped our pants. So when Kanye stepped in we breathed a huge sigh of relief, but then he told us that he would only perform if he could sing and watch Wolf Hall simultaneously. He said he wasn't bothered about missing any Henry or Duke of Norfolk bits but he loves Cromwell that much he was planning on signing Mark Rylance up to G.O.O.D music. He then kept referring to me as "Cwemwell" in a weird French accent and told me to go and fetch him some Nando's."
Many people wondered how mediocre grime artist Skepta had managed to bag an on stage role with the apocryphal God of Rap. Unsurprisingly it wasn't due to his ability to drop a mesmeric verse; it was merely because he was the only person in the building with BBC iPlayer. Kanye had already asked Chip formerly known as Chipmunk to do the honour but the UK artist was busy reading Catcher in the Rye on the Kindle his Mum got him for Christmas.
Such is the Louis Vuitton Don's obsession with the Tudor dynasty there are rumours that he is eyeing up Hampton Court as his UK base with plans to convert the main dining chamber into a tapestry of the many rumps of Kim Kardashian. His not yet released seventh studio album is also said to incorporate a strong 16th century influence with long, swirling harp instrumentals and a guest verse from the great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great Grandson of Hans Holbein.
We caught up with Tony, a 57 year old retired plumber from Brentford who watched the awards for his take on Kanye's performance: "I'm deaf in one ear so I wasn't overly arsed, and I'm too old for R,Kelly nowadays anyway", Tony commented.