Jihadi John Used To Eat Smiley Faces As A Child

Published on Monday, 2 March 2015

Evidence released today shows that Jihadi John went on to become the infamous ISIS executioner despite McCain's best efforts to make him feel happy at dinner time.

The evidence, gleaned from Jihadi John's primary school diary entries, has led many to question whether smiley faces alone are capable of de-radicalising extremists, and could lead to a wholesale change in the government's counter-terrorism strategy.

"When you picture Jihadi John and all the sad and angry faces he must be pulling behind his ninja mask, it's hard to believe that he was once just an innocent child eating smiley faces with beans", commented one government source, continuing: "We've been trying to fight terror with potato chips for far too long."

Some are now even questioning whether smiley faced potato snacks are actually one of the causes of Jihadi John's radicalisation. "Seeing a plate full of smiley faces that are happy despite the fact they have just been cooked at 180°C for 20 minutes, must have reminded him of his comparative unhappiness", a spokesperson for the human rights group, Sage, explained. "It would have been very frustrating for him to see these smiley snacks. I mean, how can potato snacks be happy whilst Israel still occupies Palestinian territory?"

Others have suggested that the root cause of Jihadi John's radicalisation was the fact that his Facebook statuses were not getting enough likes. "There's definitely evidence that Jihadi John felt rejected by British society and I think his Facebook friends have a lot to answer for. Sometimes he would post a photo of his dinner and it would only get three likes. Can you really blame him for running away to join ISIS under these circumstances?"

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