How to blow a million when you win tonight's lottery
Published on Thursday, 25 July 2013
As the Euro Millions lottery is set to make 100 people in the UK millionaires tonight, the New Age Man consulted with some of the world's leading experts in "fantasy spending" in order to compile a list of 20 items every jackpot winner cannot do without. Now that you have a million pounds, you need to start acting like you know what the fuck you are doing.
1. Flying motorcycle
Fuck Ron Weasley and his flying blue car; this is a flying motorcycle. You are far too rich to use public transport and almost rich enough to stop using roads altogether. This should be one of the first purchases you make.
2. Money Jumper
Before you even think about buying anything else, you need to make sure the world knows that you have gone from broke to bespoke. And what better way to do it than with this expensive looking jumper?
Distinguish yourself from the peasants by only drinking the best alcohol on the market. G-Spirit offer brandy, whisky and vodka that has gone through a very specific filtering process i.e. it is poured over the body of a real life naked woman! The quality of the alcohol is so good that you probably won't get a hangover, no matter how much you drink. Maybe.
4. Mini briefcase business card holder
People use business cards to show how important they are, but as a millionaire, you can't go around handing out crumpled pieces of card. Keep them protected with this stylish mini briefcase business card holder.
5. Massive inflatable chair
With a million pounds in the bank, you will get a lot of new friends. And those friends will need somewhere to sit down and drink your bottles of G-Spirit. This 30 person lounger probably won't be enough to cater for all your new rich friends, so you should probably buy two.
6. Massive cocktail shaker
This huge cocktail shaker is exactly what you need to help you make cocktails fit for a millionaire.
7. 100 million penny sweets
Have your parents ever said to you “You are only allowed one packet of sweets”? Now you can give your parents the ultimate "fuck you" by spending all of your hard earned million on sweets. Owning 100 million penny sweets would get you at least another 100 Facebook Friends.
8. Money clip
Rich people don’t tend to use purses or socks full of loose change; they use money clips. This is just one example of an exceptionally classy money clip.
9. Diamond encrusted Bluetooth headset
Give your wealthy arms a rest and buy this must have diamond encrusted Bluetooth headset. No one will take you seriously if you don’t own one of these, and at £50,000, they are practically disposable.
10. Harrods Pot Noodle
Sort the kids' dinner out in minutes with an up-market Pot Noodle from Harrods. Dealing with such an illustrious name brand like Pot Noodle, you know what you have in your hands is going to be quality, but this isn't just any old Pot Noodle. The packaging is encrusted in gold leaf and it probably smells and tastes delicious. This is the Ferrari of Pot Noodles.
11. Grill for your teeth
As a lottery winner, there is a very high chance that you don’t have many teeth, and any that you do have are in bad shape. When Euro Millions call you in for your photo shoot to show the world how rich you are and splash champagne over your toothless other half, don’t bother going to the dentist; just get a grill! It disguises the fact you probably have horrendous halitosis, and it shows that you are rich and with the times.
12. Spiderman bed
You will certainly be a magnet for the opposite sex when you start paying for things with solid gold bars. You can’t bring back 3 or 4 members of the opposite sex to a normal bed with an OAP Tempur mattress. You need something that is going to wow them and make them want to take their clothes off ASAP. You don’t have time to waste; you are rich.
13. Aquarium bed surround
You can’t have your Spiderman bed in the middle of an empty room. You need this. It surrounds your bed and adds the the extra danger of drowning in your sleep, but it also lets you show off your gold fish collection.
14. Suit pyjamas
Be prepared for every eventuality with these suit pyjamas. What if someone comes over at 3am to discuss your stock portfolio? They scream class and you should be embarrassed if you don’t own a pair.
15. Hulk Hands
People will probably be constantly trying to steal your machine gun money clip, but these Hulk Hands will let everyone know that they can fuck right off. If someone tries to attack you, all you have to do is smash them in the dick.
16. Fabergé egg
Now that you have the money to upgrade from large organic eggs to Fabergé eggs, you should. You won’t be able to buy a six pack of these in Aldi, but you’ll probably find them down an isle of Waitrose.
17. Gold Backpack
Cramming your gym kit into a plastic bag from Tesco is no longer an option; you now have the ability to use the Gold Backpack. And at around £1000, it's a veritable bargain.
18. Necessarily expensive Monopoly set
To everyone else, this will seem excessive, but, rest assured, it’s not. The pieces are made of gold and silver and the board is made of leather. Replacing the Monopoly money with "real Monopoly" money (euro notes) is also advised.
19. Invest in precious metals
You won’t stay rich forever unless you invest some of your money in a sure thing. The precious metals market is always a good place into which to pump your fortune. Gary from the Kings Head Weatherspoon pub in Chingford gave the New Age Man his expert advice:
“Metals almost never drop in value. But in order to get the best bang for your buck, I’d advise you invest in silver rather than gold or platinum. You can get shit-loads more for your money, and this game is all about quantity.”
20. A golden vibrator
If you use a plastic willy, your hand or a carrot to pleasure yourself, you need to stop at once. If you are going to vibrate your bits, only a diamond set golden vibrator will do. You are rich, start acting like it.