Luke Marcus, a veteran ghost-hunter from Fife, has teamed up with the New Age Man to come up with 10 irrefutable facts which prove the existence of ghosts.
1. Where does the soul go?
If you find yourself asking the question: “where does the soul go when you die?” you should answer your own question with: “The human soul floats out of your physical body and manifests itself in ghost form.” When you look at death in such a logical manner, there is really only one conclusion you will arrive at, and that conclusion is: ghosts.
2. That creepy feeling you sometimes get
You all know what I mean: when you walk into a new strange place and get that unfamiliar feeling. Goosebumps run down the back of your neck and over your arms. Your spine begins to tingle and your pants may become a little wet. This is the human body's 6th sense in action, and it's telling you that there is a ghost nearby.
3. There are pictures of ghosts
There are hundreds of photos of ghosts on the Internet, which is irrefutable evidence of their existence. The camera never lies.
4. Ghost hunters like me have captured ghosts
I have been a ghost hunter for over 20 years and caught dozens of ghosts. My first-hand accounts alone should be evidence enough for you to believe. As a man who lives by his word, you have my word. And I never lie.
Ectoplasm is a physical substance from the metaphysical world and I have a huge personal collection. I always hear people making jokes about ectoplasm; referring to it as jizz, but the truth of the matter is, ectoplasm is jizz; ghost jizz. I have samples that ghost milkers send me from all over the world.
6. Noises when no one is there
Because ghosts do not live on our plane of existence they find it extremely hard to interact with objects in our world. All objects except floors. It is because of this that they will sometimes trip up. These embarrassing trips make tiny noises that resonate in our world signaling to us that a ghost is near. To the untrained ear these noises are indistinguishable from a light gust of wind, a guy on the floor above walking around with shoes on, or an item of crockery slipping on the draining board.
7. Ghost stories
There are hundreds and hundreds of ghost stories out there and everyone knows that every story is rooted in truth. People don't just make shit up.
8. Small things just go missing
It is a well-known fact that ghosts love to hide your things. Although theories exist, we still don't know for sure why ghosts do this. Hiding your keys is probably the third worst thing a ghost can do to you; the first worst thing is kill you after ass raping you with a 9 inch ghost penis.
9. Animals can sense them
You can instantly tell from your pet’s behaviour when something isn’t quite right. An animal doesn’t need to speak the same language as you to tell you there is a fucking scary ghost. A few barks at an empty room, skipping around like something isn’t right, smelling the air and running away are all signs that a ghost might be about to unleash a dreaded "BOO!".
10. They've spoken to people before
Ghosts don't speak very often, and even when they do it's in a wierd spooky voice with which they pronounce every word as if it's got about 15 vowels in it. But they definitely do talk to people, occassionally. Sometimes it's through a medium who will just shout out random people's names like "Sarah", "James" etc. However, although they do definitely talk, and despite the fact they've been hanging around in the after-life for ages, they never really have anything interesting to say. Not once have they told anyone exactly what happens when you die, or even who the next character to get killed in Game of Thrones will be. You can see why they rarely bother talking, really..